The Right to Choose. Often we shout and fight for rights but forget about responsibility. This is a contentious subject and in writing my view and experience I am sure I will offend many of my fellow women friends. However I feel the necessity to write and I only wish to speak from a space of compassion. I apologise already if someone feels my views offend them.
A woman has a right to do as she wishes with her body. However when do we deter, offer council to a person from doing self harm on the pretext of bodily autonomy? It’s unclear and I do not wish to engage in a destructive pattern of arguments here. So I will keep it simple, I just share my experience.
When I was twenty five I fell pregnant with my boyfriend. I was unaware and only realised when I missed my monthly period something had changed in my body. At that time I had a tumultuous relationship with him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with him. You may ask why did I not break up earlier? Yes, I should have. However knowing how relationships can hold up the mirror to all our contradictions and darkness here it was staring me in the face. So when I realised I was pregnant…which was around around 6-7 weeks into the process, I chose an abortion. I had a very difficult relationship with my family and sensing no support and being confused I decided it was impossible for me to go ahead with this pregnancy. So being independent all my life, perhaps from avoidant attachment patterns I walked into a Marie Stopes clinic in Kolkata, had the abortion and walked out a couple of hours later and went home. I told no one in my family. I did tell my boyfriend and felt wracked with guilt and shame like I had never felt before. He was hurt. I realised what a deep deep act of harm I had done, not just to the little life but to myself and others too. I felt had no right to be happy ever again…that is how I felt, heartbroken and numb. I made the decision with the view I had then. I take full responsibility for my actions and know it is part of my karmic load to bear.
That was almost 25 years ago. What would I have told my 25 year old self from my view today. I would have sat by very close held her hand and reminded her of the magic of existence. To feel blessed, to celebrate, that I had magically fallen pregnant. Sure I didn’t love the father…but now this was a something new beyond me or him…the miracle of life. And that if I trusted life and just allowed the pregnancy to bloom and give birth I would go through a portal of initiation and awakening. I would grow and there would be a new human being in this beautiful world. A life which sure was dependant on me for a mere 9 months, but an autonomous human being after that. It is not my body my choice…there is another life for which I am deciding. It’s not just a bunch of cells.
This is a great video by Dr John Campell…might make you appreciate the beauty of life!
I cannot go back in time and change my decision…however I can share how I feel today. I never had another child, did I long for one, yes, many times, did I find the right man to have a child with? No! How old she/he would have been today? Twenty three. I went through many sessions crying healing for many years. I apologised to my boyfriend deeply from my heart. I apologised to my unborn baby…I feel tears welling up even now as I write, I am 49 now.
To that soul, thank you for giving me the experience of a few weeks of carrying you. You will always be my child, I love you, I am sorry I couldn’t have you. You will always be in my heart. And I will do my best to be the best person I can be in honour of your little life.
So sisters out-there fighting for your rights, there is no one winning in this game. We are wired as women to protect our young, for life to flourish. What foolish narrative attempts to break this sacred bond in the name of freedom?
And it is each person’s choice…however the question to ask is the right to choose made from the right view?
I pray we as women feel more supported, that when some one feels lonely and scared, other women, society provides a network of safety, wise counsel. Let us pray demand the coming together of women groups who help out a woman feeling lost and not being able to bear life for whatever the conditions might be. Let us provide the support for the fetus to become a child and the girl to become a woman, a mother. And if her conditions are such that she is unable to rear the child herself then provide safe accessible options for adoption. Here no harm is done, a child is born and gifted to a loving family.
Your emphasis on self-compassion and being kind to oneself is so important and can hopefully encourage others who have been through challenging times to also meet themselves with kindness